With Love, The Chronic Overthinker.

To whom it may concern (read: you),

I have often been the type of person who craves human connection. I constantly feel like I need to be communicating with the people in my life in order to maintain some semblance of sanity and feel like I am still part of their lives - even when I am not physically in them. 

Something that I have come to realize is that when I have this constant craving for connection, sometimes it tricks my brain into thinking that the standing relationships I have with others are beginning to fade. This can be for a variety of reasons and can manifest in a feeling of anxiety for me. 

I know what you may be thinking: Des, if you are this self-aware then why is this still a problem? That’s the thing, I STILL DON’T KNOW. For years I have found myself beginning to isolate from all of the people that I love when I believe they are pulling away (even when they are not actually doing that) in an effort to preserve what little love I have for myself, and convince myself that it was my choice to do so. Effectively leading to the relationship fizzling out and me being frustrated at something that I overreacted about in the first place. 

Reading that back sounds a bit confusing so let me give an example:

I have never been someone who was comfortable with abrupt change - so when the time came for me to graduate college the first time, I tried to hold onto those relationships that I built because I felt like if I wasn’t putting in as much effort after graduation as I did during school, they would fail. 

This meant that while I was in a completely different state, in a different time zone, navigating grad school and my job, I was still putting maximum effort into keeping up with everyone back home. Only, it seemed like I was the person who was putting in all the effort and I felt like I wasn’t receiving as much in return… So I started pulling away. I stopped texting group chats regularly, stopped trying to FaceTime as often, even avoided social media interaction because I didn’t want to feel like I was forcing friendship. 

It has been, and continues to be my way of controlling the situation and trying not to get hurt (or convincing myself that I’m not - despite the fact that I am very hurt.) because I have never felt like I truly belonged somewhere. 

It’s a continuous pattern that I find myself falling back into over and over again. I know that it is not the best thing for me and my mental health, yet it is something that I cannot seem to avoid. It was a quirk that I began to take note of while I was still in high school because it felt like everyone around me had the perfect place that they belonged and I was just a floater within multiple friend groups. Even now, I will see these same people interacting with one another all the time, but I seldom find myself keeping up with those I graduated with. 

Managing these thoughts can take a lot of effort and a lot of practice. I have begun to reach out to someone who I trust dearly whenever these things manifest and I begin to feel myself spiral, because they often will do the same to me. While it is not something that I am used to doing, it has proven to be something that has helped (even a little) and made me feel a little less crazy.

These patterns often begin when I am facing extreme stress somewhere else in life and fail to address it. Familial happenings, work/life balance, determining if I want to return to school - they all play a part in swaying where I am at mentally. Not to mention the ongoing battle of trying to control my Bipolar Disorder. It is a constant balancing act, and sometimes it takes the slightest, silliest thing to tip that scale. 

I think this is also why I have turned to writing again. In a way, these are like love letters to my past self. A way of acknowledging everything that I have gone through in order to keep myself afloat. Because instead of sitting here and wondering if I am still my best friend’s best friend, or if my coworkers secretly hate me and don’t know how to tell me without making things too awkward in the office, I can productively get all of my word vomit out and in the open all while not bothering anyone else in the process. Not only that, but I have a way of looking back on where I was since I started this in 2018 and seeing all of the progress I have made. 

I know that these posts, this space that I have made for myself and others online, they are a safe place for me to express all that I am feeling without fearing that I am forcing someone to listen and be there for me when they want to do anything but that. It is my guilt-free way of letting it all out, and those that choose to click the little link are often the same people who come to me and say that these writings are the reason they feel less alone about what they are going through. 

I am here to remind you that you are never alone, despite what it feels like sometimes. Things are hard for us right now, and it may seem like it has been and always will be that way. While I cannot promise that things will ever be easy, I can promise that you will not have to fight through those battles by yourself. Your friends don’t hate you, they just may not know how to support you in the ways that you crave. Your family still loves you, even when it feels like all you do is fight. You are capable of amazing things, even when your brain tries to tell you that you aren’t. Your coworkers appreciate you, even during the high-stress moments. Talk to them. I promise it will ease your mind. 

Keep fighting like I know you can. 

With love, 

The Chronic Overthinker