Why September Hits Home

Something that I have been advocating for in all that I do for what feels like forever is mental health. I am a firm believer that if you are not in the right headspace that things are going to fall apart around you, and you will explode. Not only is this something that I have noticed with the people that I surround myself with, but also with myself. You have to give yourself permission and room to feel things.

Mental Health. This is a hot topic with students and is something that many push to the side to be successful in their field during their studies. The thing is that nearly 50% of students that are at the collegiate age reported having symptoms of depression and anxiety.

I am part of the 50%.

From the time I turned 13, likely before, I had troubles with my mental health. Growing up, I didn’t have a ton of resources or anyone that I could go to that understood what I was going through. I had friends, yes, but I always felt like they were in a different world than me.

High school went by in the blink of an eye, and I was suddenly taking on college and free from what I thought was holding me down and yelling in my face to just give up… I was wrong.

College became its own beast, and I was battling not only my studies, but financial, family, and mental health issues along the way. I never thought that I would be able to get the help that I needed. I never thought that I would get a breath of fresh air.

I got diagnosed with a slew of different things during the semester before COVID hit and we all got sent home. I think this is what really set things into motion for me. At the time that COVID was happening, I was just beginning to understand my mental health issues and how to go about taking care of myself. While I was in an environment where I knew I was safe, I felt isolated and alone for a good chunk of it due to being exactly that: isolated. That was the whole point…

When UWGB said that we would be coming back for classes in the fall, I was so excited. I was ready to see all the people that I had missed dearly when we all went across the state and country due to COVID, and I couldn’t wait to be back studying something that I loved.

That year was far from what I expected it to be.

Constant COVID scares, still feeling isolated when around the people I cared about, slowly losing the person that I thought was my best friend, but making new friends along the way… Junior year was done in a flash and suddenly, I was a senior in college.

Senior year was by far the best. I met some of the most amazing people that I not only get to call my coworkers, but my friends as well. But you have all heard me brag about them before so let me jump ahead a bit: this year.

This year started off great. It was Welcome Week and I was completely in love with the group of freshmen that I had as a cohort this year. I was as excited as ever coming into this season of college because I was so sure that I would have things under control… it is senior year afterall. What I wasn’t prepared for was to hit a low that is so bad I don’t want to get out of bed. I thought that I would be able to handle all that was being thrown at me as soon as that week ended, but it is getting harder and harder.

I have been self-harm clean for 1 year and 9 months. Have I thought about going back to the things that I used to do to relieve some of the pain that I am feeling? Absolutely. But I won’t act on it because I would hate to have to set that counter back to zero. I couldn’t do that to the me who barely thought that we would make it past the age of 17. To the me who thought that the pain she was feeling was not something that could be talked about. To the me who was too afraid to reach out. To the me who is still in the back of my mind begging me to just give up and let go…

Suicide. It is something that is very, very hard to talk about for many different reasons. For some, it is because they lost someone that they loved. For others, it is because they are living through those thoughts everyday. I am the latter.

For those who are unaware: I almost took my life around this time last year. I was alone, I felt like I couldn’t go to the people who I loved about the things that I was struggling with, and I had a way to execute my plan. I knew what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually follow through.

I have been struggling for almost a decade with my mental health. Yes, some days are far easier than others. Yes, sometimes I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. And yes, there are still times when I wonder what would have happened if I really did try to take my life the night that I had planned. The truth is: I am glad I didn’t. While there are still days that I think about all the reasons I don’t want to be here, there are also days that I am so glad I am alive to witness. That is part of living with my mental illness.

My name is Des and I have Bipolar 2 and Panic disorders. This is something that I will be struggling with for the rest of my life, but I no longer have to struggle in silence.

You are loved, you are valuable, you are so important. Please remember that.

September is Suicide Awareness Month. While this is something that is extremely difficult to talk about, it is something that needs to be in the spotlight. No one knew my plans. No one knew that I was struggling as badly as I was. No one knew… Until I told them. THIS is why I am so honest with all of you in these posts; even if only one person relates to it and feels less alone, that is enough.

You are not alone in your struggles. You can fight this battle and win. I believe in you.

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health or suicidal thoughts, help is available. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 1-800-273-8255. Please remember: Silence isn’t strength. Don’t keep suicidal feelings to yourself. You are not alone in this struggle. Somebody loves you, and it would hurt them greatly to lose you.