Who am I?

Do you know who you are?

Do you understand what has happened to you?

Do you want to live this way?

If you know anything about me, you know that I am a big fan of Grey’s Anatomy. I recently began the journey of rewatching the series, and I came to an episode that really hit home with me.

The episode was centered around Christina as she faught with herself to decide what type of future she wanted. Torn between who she is and who she wants to be, we hear the same questions over and over through the episode:

Do you know who you are?

Do you understand what has happened to you?

Do you want to live this way?

I recently started therapy again for the first time since I was about eight years old. The last time was after my dad had died, and I really don’t remember much about it other than I liked having an adult that would listen to me and understand where I was coming from.

The thing about starting therapy back up is that I really don’t know where to begin when it comes to talking with her. My mind can’t seem to stay on one storyline.

So I started focusing on the questions.

Do you know who you are?

Do you know what has happened to you?

Do you want to live this way?

I have always considered myself to be an open person.

I answered the questions that people would ask me about myself, I had the general summary of who I was down pat by the time that I was 13, and I never averted eye contact. I was confident in who I was, what has happened to me, how it changed me, and what I was going to do because of it. I was always so sure… until recently.

So when she had asked me to tell her about myself, I was at a loss for words.

Do you know who you are?

My name is Destiny Kudelko. I am 19 years old. I was born November 22, 1999 to Dawn and Kenneth Kudelko. I come from a small town in wisconsin, just north of Milwaukee. Most of my family lives in Illinois. I’m a musician, a writer, a sister, daughter, advocate, hard worker, dreamer, traveler, and so much more. My favorite color is yellow and I believe the best times in life are spent laughing in the sun. I consider myself to be open.. But I hide so much.

Do you know what has happened to you?

I have begun to hate the very things I used to love about myself. I am constantly afraid of something.. Failing, not being good enough, crying in front of people who think I am strong, where I will be in the future, if I’m doing the right thing for myself, if I’m being myself, if people are judging me for doing exactly that, being alone, not being alone enough, being a burden, dying. I like to be there for people, but won’t allow anyone to break down my wall of trust that I have spent so long building, so I ultimately collapse on myself.

I started to slip again.. I’m sorry.

Do you want to live this way?

I’ve been living like this for so long, I really don’t know how to not…but I’m ready to be happy again.

In the end, Christina chooses what will make her happy. She takes over Preston’s hospital in Switzerland and makes a life for herself that she has always wanted and has worked so hard to achieve. She left her comfort zone, the people she was used to, uprooted her life, and built her dream.

I’m no Christia Yang, but I don’t have to be to know that I deserve the same happiness that I try to bring to others. I have spent so long building this life that I’m trying to live. Spent forever figuring out the people I need to surround myself with. I’ve been heartbroken, scared.. Hell, I could’ve died last summer. But through all the mess and noise, I made it.  So here’s to being okay with not being okay because one day, I will be happy again.. There’s a light in the dark and I feel it’s warmth. I’m stepping into the sun, and I’m ready to be the me that I’ve been building, and I'm going to be unstoppable.