When It Rains, It Pours.

This week I've been doing so good with putting myself first. I have been making time for myself, going to the gym in the morning, and relaxing during the day. It started off amazing.

But then why do I find myself crying so much lately? and no- it isn't because I started watching Grey's Anatomy again.

I realize that often times showing emotion, especially in the form of sadness, can be perceived as weak. But let me tell you that my sadness is anything but that.

This sadness is crippling. It can make me stay in bed for days on end not wanting to communicate in any way, eat, drink, or shower. This sadness is deep. So deep that I feel physically ill even trying to describe it. This sadness is old and wise. Somehow it's as if my sadness has found a way to not be bothered by the things that usually make me happy. This sadness is strong. It can put me out of commission and make me dazed.. I'm never myself with this type of sadness.

I guess all I want you to know is this:

When it rains, it pours.

I'm not talking waterfalls, I'm talking tsunami type floods. An endless stream that goes on for what feels like forever until it doesn't.

I've been holding in so much lately. My plate will never empty, because it is overflowing with things that I can't handle all at once.

Every person has their breaking point. I'm sorry you had to be mine.

I'm sorry that every emotion I have been feeling for so long had spilled out in front of you without a warning. I'm sorry that I took it out on you and left you nothing but confused.

It sucks knowing that you are the person I come to when something is wrong. It sucks because right now you're my something wrong and I want so badly to call you and talk about everything. But I'm very emotionally weak right now and you deserve more. So I won't call.. or text.. or anything until we figure out where to go from here.

But let me tell you, when it rains, it pours and right now I'm trying to search in the wreckage for my sliver of hope after the flood.

I'm doing my best to put me first, but over the time that I've known you.. you've also become a little bit of me.

xx Des