Unwell

As of late I have been unwell. I have been avoiding class, ignoring the people that care about me, and resisting their attempts to reach out to see what is going on. It got so bad that the counseling and health centre on campus reached out to me because someone submitted a concern thinking I was going to kill myself… and I actually thought about it.

Isolation and spending copious amounts of money have always been my go-to forms of self-harm that is not as obvious. It is my way of hurting myself without raising any immediate concern for my well being. Recently it has been self-sabotage.

Avoiding class for literally two weeks. Not all of them, but I was prioritizing the ones that I need the most work in and that count attendance as a grade. I forced myself out of bed and trudged to the rooms that I had no interest in being in. There was never a moment where I was thankful that I was able to go to class. There was never a moment when I wanted to be there. Friends began to take notice and realize something was wrong, but I would just brush them off and tell them I was fine. I wasn’t. I’m not.

Ignoring the people that reached out to me began to become a norm for me, and resisting their attempts at contact was like my new job. I would change the subject and move on as fast as possible. You see, I have this deep rooted fear of being a burden, and I know that if I unload it all on the people that care about me, it would seriously hurt them.. Or they would leave.

I can’t recall much from these past few weeks, but I do remember a weekend when I was especially in a dark place. Things just kept happening all at once and there was an endless stream of dark thoughts. Now, this is normally the time that I would turn to alcohol, but I am trying not to do that. So I sat in my room, alone, all weekend. By the time Saturday night/Sunday morning hit, I was in such a state that I thought about just ending it all for the first time since I was in eighth grade.

There are a variety of factors that play into this and it all comes out to the fact that I am not okay. I haven’t been for quite some time, but I do this thing where I hide it for fear of being a burden. I am so terribly scared that I am burdening those that I love and am closest to with all the things that are in my brain. I worry that if I tell them what is really going on, they’ll run away and things will continue to get worse. Is this a logical response? Absolutely not. Is it what goes on in my head every time I say something related to trauma or what is going on in my life? Absolutely.

This is something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember and was ultimately what led to me hurting myself physically. While I am 299 days clean from doing that, I still do stupid things that lead me, ultimately, to self-sabotage.

That seems to be the theme with me, huh? Struggling to communicate how I feel and then hating myself for not being honest with those that I know care.

Today is World Mental Health Day. Take some time to reflect on what that means for you. For me, that means a fresh start. It means taking a moment to remember that I am human. I make mistakes, I have failures, and I still get back up at the end of it all.

I want to take this moment to thank every single person who has reached out, expressed concern, and taken the time to listen to me and all the things that have been happening in my life as of late. It isn’t an easy feat being my friend sometimes, but I appreciate you all. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being one of the reasons that I am still alive. But most importantly, thank you for being some of the most amazing people I have met.

I also want to take this time to remind everyone who has read this far that it is okay to not be okay. As I have said so many times in the past: Some days it seems like those clouds that hang over your head will never go away. Some days you have to force yourself to get up and complete your simple day-to-day routine. But it is important that you understand what your brain is trying to tell you. Our bodies are wonderful vessels and communicate to us in special ways. Listen to your heart when it tells you to walk away. It is okay to walk away.

In the fast-paced world that we live in it can be hard to sit down and actually come to terms with all the events that have happened throughout the day. We are so used to shoving things down and hiding them in public and then exploding that we rarely even notice anymore. Don’t do that to yourself.

Thank you for being alive.