Thoughts Beyond What Happens Now

I don't really know where this post is going to lead, but I know that there is so much on my mind about what has been happening the past few days that maybe I just need a brain dump.. so here is to what would normally be my bullet journal brain dump:

I got home and cried. Not just a normal cry, because I do that frequently within the walls of the place that I call home; but an earth-shattering, leaves your pillow drenched type of cry. What else are you supposed to do when you realize you've made a huge mistake that you have no control over anymore?

I've messed up. No, that's too simple to say. How can you describe throwing away years in a matter of minutes due to pent up frustration? I would describe it as catastrophic. Because it was.

We apologized, promised it wouldn't happen anymore, and it did. In a split second we went from smiling and laughing, to not talking and I'm still crying.

I only know three ways to let out my emotions: crying (hello me for the last 48 hours), writing, and breaking things. I'm trying to avoid the latter so here we are.. I'm back to writing about how hurt I am and hoping someone reaches out to talk but simultaneously hoping that no one does so I can stop crying.

It hasn't worked.

You've ignored my attempts at reaching out. You've talked it through with someone who has said so much worse, and ignored everything that I have done. I thought this was over, but I'm still hurting and you're still hiding it all inside.

I know that this hurts you too. I could see it on your face, could hear it in your voice, could feel it as it filled the room. I know that you don't like talking about what's hurting you. I know that you have a bad bitch mindset ( you are a bad bitch and that's what I loved about you. I don't have to be one, because you are). But it's okay to hurt. Even the most tough people do.

I'm sorry that this broke you. I'm trying really hard to fix it, but it needs to be a joint effort.

A very wise person told me that the strong friendships will have the hardest battles to fight. You can be at each other's throats and still care so much for one another.. I always thought it was ridiculous, but I really hope that it's true in our case.

So in the event that you're reading this, which I really don't think that you will, but just in case:

Please talk to me. Let's fix this. Because our friendship is worth so much more that harsh words that weren't meant to be shared.

I don't think that of you, I know that you are so much more than what you show the world. You're my best friend and I can't lose you over this.

So there it is. The ball is in your court, and I'm left waiting, hoping, and praying that you'll return it with an open mind.

I just want my best friend.

--I'm sorry that the last two posts have been off topic, and that this blog isn't for this, but sometimes you need to get your emotions out in order to focus on the true goal. And hey, emotional vulnerability is a big step in loving yourself. Being in touch with how you feel is very important in a process such as this.

So please be gentle with me right now.. I'm a little fragile but am working on turning glass into steel. --

xx Des