Some Days Aren't Worth Living

For the past few days I have been living my life as if there is not a thing wrong. I went through recruitment week with a smile on my face, and as much enthusiasm as I could muster. I go to class and participate as much as I can. I come home and make an effort to spend time with my roommates because they bring happiness into my life.

I live my day-to-day life like most people do. Wake up, brush my teeth, get ready, and go to work or class. Looking at it, there is nothing special. What you don’t know is that last night I thought about how the world would be without me here. It would continue to turn, there is no doubt there.. But what would happen to the people that I consider to be the most important in my life?

I should preface this with the fact that I am not suicidal. Don’t get it twisted. I just tend to have these nights that are dark and I begin to wonder what would happen. Maybe I mean ‘here’ by Green Bay, you’ll never know.

Basically I’m saying that I could disappear without a trace and the lives of those that I surround myself with would continue to go on. I know that it’s dark. I know that I shouldn’t have these thoughts. I can’t help it. Literally. I have Intrusive thoughts all the time. They vary from ‘run your car into the median’ to ‘what would be the worst thing to happen if you just leave?” and honestly, I want to know.

The truth is, I’m tired. I live in a perpetual loop that makes me feel stuck. All my life I have been stuck in the middle. The middle of fights, the middle cousin, the middle friend (if you know, you know), and I have to say that I am really getting tired of it. I’m tired of always being the person that someone can rely on, but never receiving the same energy. I’m tired of being the backburner friend, always there but never number one. But mostly, I am so sick and tired of being the peacemaker. The person that is expected to always say and do the right thing.

It’s taxing. I’m physically and mentally exhausted from battling with myself all the time. I hate being the middle-man. I hate forcing a smile so that other people feel like I am a welcoming and warm person. I hate having to pretend to be happy when really, I am miserable. I hate being the one in the background of my own God damn life. So here’s what I am making my goal:

I am going to start putting myself first. If I am not in the headspace to deal with other people, I won’t force myself to.

I am going to confront the people who make me feel small. I no longer want to be made to feel insignificant.. Especially in my own life.

I am going to stop forcing people to believe that I am always happy. It’s hard to be honest about how we feel, but it is so important.

I am going to stop trying to force friendships. If they want to be in my life, they are going to have to put in just as much effort as I do.

And finally, I am going to start writing everything down again. Taking the time to detox my brain at night and let out all the struggles from the day that I went through.

You see, some days feel like they aren’t worth living anymore. Some days it seems like those clouds that hang over your head will never go away. Some days you have to force yourself to get up and complete your simple day-to-day routine. But it is important that you understand what your brain is trying to tell you. Our bodies are wonderful vessels and communicate to us in special ways. Listen to your heart when it tells you to walk away.

But here is the most important thing I will tell you: never forget that YOU are the most important person in your life, no one else. Start acting like it.