Self Harm/Self Love

The idea of self harm is a touchy subject for many people that I know, but it’s for sure something that I feel is too important to gloss over. What can be seen as something that is absolutely insane for one person, can be the only thing holding another person together.

I am going on six years clean from physically harming myself. I started pretty young, and it followed me into high school. When I began to lose control of things in my life and started spiraling, I felt like the pain that rushed over my body from harming myself was the only thing that allowed me to take the reins of my life again.

While I am clean from physically harming myself, there are things that are still considered to be harmful behavior that I am working on. Behaviors that many don’t recognize as self harm. They’re simple, but often destructive.

Overspending. Often leads to financial difficulty, especially as someone who lives paycheck-to-paycheck. Me and my roommate have been doing this thing where when one of us is sad, we decide to go shopping to find things that will bring us joy again. We have been here a month, and have spent close to $1,000 between the both of us. We have acknowledged that this is a behavior that needs to be fixed and have decided that the only things that we are allowed to spend money on are the things we deem absolutely necessary. Things such as food when we need to go grocery shopping, or gas when the car runs low. If we feel like something may be necessary but we are unsure, we sit down and talk about it hoping to come to a conclusion with each other. This is a hard habit to break, but I have a feeling that it will be easier to break with someone else helping along the way.

Isolating oneself. This is another major thing that I am guilty of doing. I isolate myself when I start to get into the dark places of my brain, the lows. I find it to be easier to isolate and avoid talking to people because that is something that I have been doing since I was a child. It can be hard to open up to people about the negative thoughts that are overtaking your mind, especially when it is happening at that moment. I have been doing my best at being honest with my friends about what I can and cannot handle at certain moments, but lately have been slacking. I’ve gotten really bad since being back at school. That’s why I’ve been writing more again. If I can’t say it to their face, I can at least write it down.

Putting others' needs before your own. This can be one of the most difficult habits to break. Allowing yourself to take a step back and analyze if you can handle someone else's needs before you handle yours is something that takes time to learn how to do. You are the most important thing in your life, it’s time to start acting like it. Friends and family are very imperative, yes, but you are stuck with yourself all your life. This is not to say that you should ignore your friends or family when they tell you that there is something wrong or that they want to talk to you, but you need to make sure that you are in the right headspace for it. Don’t drag yourself down just to lift others up. You’ll drown.

Eating too much or too little. Growing up, I had a horrible relationship with food and my body. My mom was, and is, a very small person who constantly criticized the way that she looked. It made me feel inadequate. I would binge as much food as I could before I got sick and then lay in bed wondering what the hell just happened and why I did it. The next day I would see how long I could go without eating as sort of a way to punish myself. This is something that is really hard to deal with in college. My schedule is all over the place and I often have to go the entire day without eating. By the time that I get home, I’m starving. This often leads me to do what I did when I was younger, and just eat as much as I can without throwing up. I am learning more and more about the things that I can do for my body so it continues to do what I need it to do. Food should not be something that is scary. You should not be afraid to eat in front of people and you for sure should not starve yourself because you feel you need to be punished. We need food to survive, but we also need to be able to tell ourselves when to stop.

Finally, allowing toxic people in your life. This one is a little more tricky than the others. Often we don’t realize that someone is toxic while they are in our lives, and it takes someone close to us to say ‘hey, maybe they aren’t great for you’. The thing that makes this tricky is that these people can be your best friend or someone in your family. Cutting ties to people that feel important in your life can be one of the most difficult decisions. They will keep trying to come back. Insist that they have changed, and say that they have no idea what you are talking about when you confront them about their behaviors. Listen to the people that really care about you.. They are often right. Remember: just because they are close to you does not mean that they can't be doing things to hurt you.

Learning that I am doing things to hurt myself without the scars showing is something that came as a shock. But now that I know, I can begin the healing process. It’s important to understand that self love is one of the most important things that you can give yourself when you are struggling. Learning ways to cope in a manner that is healthy is essential to living a better life.

Don’t drown out your own screams just because you’re scared someone else will hear them.