Nothing But Boxes of Memories

I never thought that it would happen as soon as it did, but here we are. My room is packed up into small cardboard boxes with various labels reading "DES ______" across the top of them. I've been away for months working on figuring out what to do with my future, but here I am living through the past by use of my childhood bedroom.

Family Christmas, 2018. Extended family all gathered around the two tables we set up to accommodate the crowd of people, laughing and having conversations that I could actually be part of because I'm no longer a kid. All hiding a secret that would be dropped on me in a matter of days. I was happy. Surrounded by people who were genuinely interested in the things that I had to say, in the stories I had from school and all the adventures I have planned for the years to come.. I was happy.

The day that we were packing to leave my grandparent's house came so fast that it was almost like we were never there to begin with. Stuffing Christmas cards and presents into backpacks and suitcases, sneaking one last cookie before the road, sitting and eating breakfast together, finally time to share what everyone has been whispering about the entire time that we've been here.. and it's quite the secret.

I remember screaming. I was upset and there was nothing that anyone would be able to say to make it better. I was officially losing the place I called home.

I grew up in a small town where I knew pretty much everyone. I could walk down the street and in a matter of minutes be at a friend's house. There were parks within five minutes on three sides of my house, and the smell of bacon would wake me up in the summer on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I could go to school, go home to change, and be back for practice in ten minutes. I was safe in the sameness that I could always go back to during the breaks from college, so to me, this news was earth-shattering.

It took me until the last week that I would spend in that house to even begin thinking about how I was going to organize those boxes. I couldn't bring myself to sift through the memories that have been gathering for 19 years in a small, 8x8 room that I've called my own for what feels like forever. I couldn't seem to make the first move when it came to packing it all up. Little did I know.

Seven days. That's all that I had to figure out what I was going to keep and what I was ready to part with. Hundreds of little stuffies, clothes that have been in my closet for who knows how long (shout out to the halloween costume from sixth grade), even medals from things that I haven't participated in in years. Pictures from when dad was still around, letters from years of show choir and penpals, yearbooks since fifth grade(yet I couldn't find my academic letter???), even a bracelet from my ex that I absolutely will not get rid of - I'm convinced it's good luck..the memories just kept coming.

The range of emotions that I have experienced has been absolutely astounding. From being so happy it felt like my face was going to fall off due to smiling, to crying a literal ocean, I felt like I couldn't finish packing the last box. How could I?

It took until my best friend (little sister?) told me that this is what needed to happen. She told me that it was exactly the fresh start that I have been looking for since I moved away to Green Bay. I always talk about these adventures that I want to go on, these places I want to see and the things I want to experience. I can't do that if there is something chaining me to this little town that I have been in since I was born. You can't travel the world and find yourself if you are carrying the weight of your entire life.

That was it, that was all that I needed. I closed the lid on my final box, picked up my suitcases, turned off the light, and closed the door to the room that had been my safe space for all this time. I said goodbye to the paint that is on the wall from splatter painting spirit wear, to the shadow boxes that hold some of the most important things that have happened in my life, to the broken window and lopsided bed, and to my childhood home. This was the last time that I would ever step foot there again.

I remember when I first found out. I was upset and confused (let's face it, I still am because I have no idea where I'm going come summertime.) and I did one of the only things that ever seems to calm me down. I wrote this:

“Here’s where I end and begin” (referencing the video I posted with this caption) while this song is about how much one person loves another, I found out that we are officially losing my childhood home and while this is something that I’ve seen coming for a very long time, I can’t help but feel heartbroken. All of my life was contained within these walls. The many tears, a million laughs, and endless memories made will soon be an echo in my mind. Mom moves out the same day I move back to school. Some battles are so crazy hard to fight... this time we lost. So goodbye burn mark in the bathroom from one too many science experiments, goodbye cracked window from wrestling too much, goodbye worn-in stairs that lead to solitude, goodbye broken closet that used to hold all my secret presents, goodbye stickers on the drawers from the endless doctor visits, goodbye to the rooms that used to hold tents and tea parties and love and dreams.. goodbye home. Thank you for the 19 years of warmth. I hope your next family appreciates you.

It hasn't really hit me yet.. the fact that I can't go back anymore. The fact that there could actually be another family that lives there next time I drive through. Nothing could ever prepare you for something like this, but it's time to spread my wings and do what I've been wanting to for years. Now that I have no chains, it's time to fly.

This is my time to explore and become who I really want to be. I can always go back to those boxes and remember, but I can't go back to things I've never experienced. I think I'm finally ready to say goodbye.

So here's to having nothing but the boxes of memories . Who knows what the future holds.

Speaking of memories- here's one of my favorites.