Losing Myself

I have been having some weird dreams lately that make it hard to tell the difference between what is real and what is not. I think that this can also be said about many other things in my life. I was walking down the sidewalk going to The Union today when it hit me.. What even is my life?

I have never really been aware of the things that are going on in my life. I think it’s a coping mechanism that I got when I was a kid to avoid the bad things that happened. It’s weird, but there is so much going on that I am oblivious to.. Like the fact that I am in college. That hit me like a train today.

So much has changed in my life over the course of three years. I graduated high school, moved to a new city, started my journey of self-discovery (this blog), I lost my childhood home (it was a shit pile, but it was home), and I started my continued education. But there is something that has remained a constant through it all - me.

In my life there were endless challenges that I was faced with that made me who I am today. I gained a love of cooking from having to learn early on. I began to think about music as less of a hobby, and more as a career because I knew I wanted to grow out of the life that I was given. I made friendships through the means of my church because I was lost without my faith and began to doubt why I was put on this Earth.

While I was making all these changes to myself and the world around me, I was forced to figure out who I wanted to be. At the time, I knew I didn’t want to be like my parents - though mom is much different now, and I commend her for that. I knew I wanted to get out of Kewaskum, even if it was only for eight months at a time. I knew I wanted to change lives the same way that there were always people to change mine.

I guess that leads me to today. Walking to The Union and having that moment of ‘Oh, my God.. this is really my life.” was something that I wasn’t expecting. I know that I am in college.. Believe me, the stress is hard to forget. But it was more of a realization that I have taken my eye off of the person that I have been building myself to be.

I haven’t been myself lately. I have been faking smiles and joy so that I seem like I am doing okay. I’m far from okay. And that is something that takes a lot of courage to acknowledge. I haven’t been honest with the people that I care about when it comes to the way that I have been feeling. I haven’t been honest with my professors when they ask me how things are going. But mostly, I haven’t been honest with myself about my intentions.

My intentions used to be so pure. I used to want to continue this education because I know that I want to be an inspiration for kids like me. Kids who maybe don’t have the best home life. Kids who come from not a lot and want to change that system for themselves. Kids that look to the future and are unsure about what it holds. That is why I wanted to become an educator. Because I know what it is like to not know. But lately it has been just me carelessly and mindlessly completing assignments and moving on to the next.. Sometimes I don’t even do that.

If I am being 100% honest, the thought that I am in the wrong major has crossed my mind so many times that even I’m surprised I’m still here. But I know somewhere deep down that this is what I am meant to do. I can’t explain it, but every time I think about changing.. I get pulled right back to doing the same thing I have thought about doing basically my entire life.

I have been losing myself lately in a mess of emotions and pain. I have been causing so much unnecessary stress in my life because lack of communication or otherwise. I have been forcing myself to do things that my brain keeps yelling ‘NO’ to and pushing myself to be happy when all I want to do is cry.

I have been losing myself lately, but I promise it’s not forever.