Life as an Imposter: Take Two

Time is slowly running out for me to figure out what I really want to do with my life and honestly it is terrifying. I came into college knowing exactly what I wanted to do with my life… or so I thought.

You see, I am four years deep into a degree that I no longer feel a spark with when I talk about it. I no longer love the material that I am learning and no longer feel drawn to the future that I was so sure about not so long ago.

I have spent what feels like forever contemplating this: am I right for teaching? Is this what I really want to do forever? And surprisingly, the answer is no (as of right now). I love kids. That has rung true this entire time. They make me happy and they are so, so cute.. But on the days that I came home from my field placements, I was exhausted to say the least. I don’t blame the kids. I blame the fact that I am no longer in love with what I do.

For a while now I have been going back-and-forth about what it is that I can do. I luckily have some amazing people in my life who are always open to discussion about these sorts of things, so I sat down and just let all the word vomit I have swimming in my brain come up in conversation. Turns out, I am not the only one that is thinking this anymore.

Not everyone is destined to do the most astounding things. It has taken me quite some time to come to terms with the fact that I don’t think I am. Maybe it’s the imposter syndrome talking, or maybe it’s because it’s true.. Either way that is what I am feeling right now.

So where does this take me? Good question. I have absolutely no idea. I think I am going to end up finishing my degree (lord knows I am too deep into this to just give up) and take a gap year to figure things out. Grad school is on the table, the problem is that I have no idea what I would go for.

I guess what I am trying to say is that while I put on this facade of knowing what I am doing, I really have no clue. I am human. I do things that are probably not the best sometimes, and I play it off like it was all part of the plan. In reality: I haven’t the slightest idea what is going on.

So as you can tell, much like this post, my life is kind of all over the place right now. Maybe that is what was meant to happen, and maybe this is one of those mistakes that I play off like I knew what was going to happen all along…

We’ll just have to wait and see.