Let it Begin Now

It came to my attention as of late, the amount of people that I actually influence. One of the biggest things that I continuously am asked is about how I "radiate" confidence.. I don't. Let me give a quick story time that sums this up quite well.

July 29, 2018 I was in an accident that should have resulted in more damage to my body than it did. So many people reminded me how lucky I was to be alive, and they were right. I remember so much that followed the incident.. but nothing will hit me harder than the fact that I will carry a memory of that day with me for my entire life.

The left side of my body is riddled with scars. Scars from shards of glass that were lodged so deep into me, that the doctors at the hospital had to dig to get them out. From the top of my head, all down my side, and saved forever in my mind, there are scars that I'm so afraid to wear proudly.

Now you may be asking "what's your point? Everyone has something that they're insecure about." and you're right.. I promise I'm getting there.

Less than a month later, a group of my closest friends and I had plans for a massive day in Milwaukee. A last hurrah, if you will.. I don't think I have ever felt so insecure in my life.

There we were, the start of our day full of adventures- at the beach. Not only was I with them, all beautiful, skinny, and confident; I was surrounded by people that oozed the same feeling that didn't even know me. Me, in my striped blue and white shirt that went down to my mid-thigh, and swim bottoms that went to my knees. Me, that had just gotten over an accident and finally felt close to who I was before, less than a month later. Me, who refused to take off her shirt because what she was wearing underneath would show all of her deepest insecurities.

I sat on the shore of the beach as all of my friends swam out to enjoy the last taste of summer that we would all have together, wearing my shirt- miserable. I couldn't believe that I was dumb enough to only wear my swimsuit underneath.

I told myself that the summer of 2018 was going to be my summer. The summer when I went out of my comfort zone, did the unthinkable in the eyes of past me. That summer, I bought a suit that was two pieces. Not only was it two pieces, it showed my ENTIRE back, the area of my body that I am arguably most insecure about. How could I do this to myself?

It took all my willpower to take off that shirt and brave the eyes of those around me because not only did it show every inch of fat that so gracefully carves my body, but it showed all of the scars that line my left side. It showed the pain that I had endured not long before this amazing day in the sun.

As soon as I took off that shirt, I wanted to put it back on.. but then something amazing happened.

My friends looked at me with nothing but compassion and love. They didn't argue when I said that I didn't want a picture taken from a certain angle due to it showing my scars, because they knew I was still recovering. They made sure not to comment on my body; it wasn't their place to. Instead, they reassured me that I was beautiful. That they absolutely loved my swimsuit top and made jokes about the weirdos that were wearing jeans to swim in the lake. They made me feel like I was enough, like I was one of them.. because I am one of them.

I 'radiate' confidence because I surround myself with people who make me feel that way. They make my cup feel full when it's close to empty. They make even my darkest scars feel invisible and make me forget that I look how I do because IT DOESN'T MATTER. What matters is that I am happy.

In short: don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone. sometimes all you need to do is rip off the bandages and enjoy the sun. Wear those scars like battle wounds because you are a warrior fighting so many daily battles. And who knows, maybe that comfort zone is what's been holding you back all along.