Learning to Be Gentle

We all go through it. We all have moments when we doubt ourselves, our capabilities, and the people that claim they love us. We all have moments of weakness. It’s okay. This is simply part of being human.

For the longest time now I have been preaching something that I do not listen to. The choir has since informed me that my lessons no longer stick, and that I’m a walking definition of a hypocrite.

The truth is, I don’t feel worthy of the love I receive. I don’t feel as though I deserve the hugs, the warm wishes, the support that I have been given for however long you each have been giving it to me. I don’t feel worthy of love.

This is something that is going to be an instant “are you dumb” from a lot of people. But I have always been honest with you all about what I am feeling at the time of each post. And while I was preaching “I hope you let them love you” I was crying at night thinking about all the people who say they love me.

Anxiety is a bitch. It sits on your shoulder and talks to you all day about how you aren’t worthy of anything. About how the praise that you get is all a façade and that the people who have been supporting you to your face are the people who are slamming you behind your back. It reaches deep into your brain and pulls at all the strings attached to your insecurities until there is no give left, and releases them to bounce around the emptiness.

I’ve been riding a manic high for a couple of weeks now. And I’ve started to hit my low. This means nothing to the vast majority, but if you know… you know. These fluctuations are not to be messed with and they make it really hard to do everyday things.

Sitting in my low has been debilitating. I haven’t been focusing on school, on my internship, on taking care of myself. I’ve just been focusing on the fact that it feels like every person in my life is lying to my face. I’ve been focusing on the fact that I feel like a failure. I have been focusing on the fact that I really just have to make it a couple more months.

I know this isn’t true. I know that the people who love me do so because they care about me, genuinely. I know that I am not a failure. I know that if little me could see where we are now, she would probably burst into tears. But to my little rat brain it feels like the opposite.

I don’t know a lot of things, but I do know I need help right now. I’m finding it, slowly. So I guess what I am asking of everyone and myself is this: be gentle with me. I am fragile right now and I am working on sealing the cracks. It takes time and a lot of hard work, but the effort is there.

I am slowly learning to be gentle with myself. I am working on finding a balance of life and my mental health. I am actively moving towards new goals set and completing the ones that have been in place for a long time. I promise I am trying… even when it seems like I am not.

Remember to tell your people you love them. You never know who needs to hear it.