It's Okay to Mourn.

I’d like to believe that there are many things that I was prepared for when it comes to being an adult. From a young age my mother made sure I had an understanding of how to take care of myself, how to manage when things got tight, and how to prioritize. Yet I sit here experiencing one of the things that she didn’t prepare me for: mourning the loss of someone that I thought would be in my life forever. 

I have always been candid about the experiences that I am going through in an effort to normalize talk around topics that have surrounding stigma. So let me be completely honest about a few things that I have been going through since we last talked about 6 months ago. 

1 - I made the biggest decision of my life and moved away from everything and everyone I know and love in pursuit of gaining an education that will allow me greater access to the career I desire. Moving to Muncie has not been easy. Living alone for the first time in my life was and continues to be absolutely terrifying, and I don’t think that is going to be something that changes for a while. Grad school is hard… like, really hard. My mental health has been pushed aside more times than I can count, my time has been occupied by work and school, and I feel like there is seldom time to take a moment to breathe. But I wouldn’t change that for anything. Being here, doing what I am doing, I know that this is what I want and I need to make sacrifices in order to reach those goals. 

2 - I made some friends. After telling myself that friends did NOT matter during my time in Indiana because I plan to only stay here until I graduate, I found myself making some very important friendships along the way. Are there still moments where I miss the friendships I left back home? Absolutely. I don’t think that is ever going to change. But if there is one thing that I learned along this journey it’s that change is inevitable and the people who truly love you will not stop doing that just because you are following your dreams. 

3 - I finished my first semester with the best GPA that I have EVER had during my collegiate journey. Classes are hard, yes. The material is dense… but that doesn’t take away the fact that I am fully invested in the things that I am learning and that I actually WANT to learn about what the professors have to talk about. I actually feel valued here for the experience that I have and the things that I say during class, and don’t feel stupid for asking questions to better my understanding because none of the educators have belittled me. Imagine that. 

4 - I spent my first major holiday season alone. Nothing will prepare you for the feeling in your stomach when you come to the realization that something you always looked forward to is not happening. You don’t get to see your family, and you will celebrate by yourself and in pajamas all day. This past year has been hard. There have been a lot of changes that I have had to navigate and take on in order to continue to grow, but this was one change that I was hoping to avoid for as long as possible. Not being able to go to Nana and Papa’s this last Christmas had really taken a toll on my mental health. It doesn’t help that I was seemingly the only person in my friend group that was still hanging around. I was lonely. 

5 - I officially am mourning the loss of friendships that I never thought I would lose. Those people that come into your life and make you feel so seen and valued. The people who you would take a bullet for - sometimes they just decide to leave. I don’t think that there is a proper way to go about preparing for these situations because the fact of the matter is this: we don’t ever want to admit that it will happen to us. Imagining that some of the most important and influential people in our lives are happily moving on with theirs while we are left to cry about losing them. It’s rough. We will make it. 

For the past six months, on top of all the things that I have been openly talking to others about, I have been quietly dealing with the fact that someone who I considered to be a best friend, family, has walked out of my life and I have no choice but to accept that. There is a song that was popular on Tik Tok not too long ago that has a line stating: So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep. And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe, and I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are… (Thanks, Taylor Swift) and while the song itself is talking about her breakup with Joe Jonas, this is something that I am coming to understand. 

So here I am, watching your life through pictures and playlists. 

It’s okay to mourn the loss of important people in our lives. It's okay to mourn no longer being close to those you love. It’s okay to mourn the life you used to have. 

It’s okay to mourn.