I Was Never the Leading Lady

All throughout my career in the arts, I was never a leading lady. I was never the astoundingly beautiful, charming, and sought after woman that anyone was dying to cast in their show. No matter the amount of effort, love, and energy I brought to the stage, there was never a moment in time that made people think about me in that sense.

I remember I would cry every time I was cast as the fat girl, the funny side kick, the quirky loser. I was never the love interest, never the one that had her moment that showed her all of the hardship was worth it.

Really, I wasn't upset because I was never the love interest.. I was upset because not a single person ever thought it possible for me to be one. Closed minds aside, there is so much more to this.

Everyone always told me that it was clear I loved to perform because I radiated happiness whenever I was in the theatre, but deep down.. I was hurting. Both on stage and off, I had tormentors that made my days within the small town a living hell. There were few things that brought joy into my life, and one of the biggest ones was being a performer.

I put in years upon years into something to continuously get the same result and it was heartbreaking. I never got the lead, never got the solo, never got the chance to prove that I was something special trapped in this body that I want so desperately to escape. I was devastated.

But that’s the thing, I was devastated. For years I allowed these thoughts to creep into my head. Thoughts about how I would never be good enough because that’s how other people view me. The fat, annoying, and alarmingly odd young woman.

There are many things that I have learned while being away at school. I have learned that some of the people you thought would always root for you, are really the ones that celebrate when you fail. I learned that the people you think you might hate, may actually be some of the best. I learned that even though my entire life has revolved around being this stereotype, that I am so much more that my outward appearance.

I am filled with sunshine. I bring joy into the lives of those that I am with. I am an advocate. I fight for the rights of those who have little voice to do so themselves. I am a fighter. I overcome the obstacles that are always in my way. I am a performer. I have a need to create and entertain. I am a teacher. I share the knowledge of all that I have learned in my life through stories and writings. But most importantly, I am so much more that what I felt I was in high school.

By allowing myself to realize all the amazing things that make me who I am, I have come to the conclusion that I may never have been the leading lady then, but I’m the leading lady of my own design and I’m creating a story for myself that requires only that. All I’ve ever needed was my own approval and I think this may be it.

So it’s time I stop living in the shadows of all the people who seemed to outshine me then. I’m back, and this time I’m brighter than I have ever been.

Show choir senior year