I Forgive You

To whom it may concern: Kenneth Kudelko,

There are many things that I don’t remember about my childhood from when you were around. I have always been told stories of what I don’t remember, and they are far less than pleasant. But here’s the thing, I forgive you.

I believe there comes a time when we need to move on from the things in our past and focus on all the amazing things in front of us. So, dad, I forgive you.

I forgive you for the trust issues I have with men. A constant fear of the things that they will say and do to the people they ‘love’ and what that even means to them. I built up these walls in an effort to protect myself. Mom always told me to never fall for a man like you, if that’s what you could call what you were.

I forgive you for the anxiety that courses through my body every single time someone raises their voice. It was always the siren before the storm with you, so I assume the worst when it begins.

For creating this unwavering fear I have of getting close to people. If I let them in, they’ll hurt me. Destroy the brick wall that I have built, and never let me build it back up. It’s a fortress. I could stay in it forever and never have a problem with that.

For making me believe that love is synonymous with sadness and pain. For allowing me believe that the people who cause me to hurt, the people who hold my head below the water, are the people who care about me. Not protecting me from them, but encouraging me to embrace them.. Even if you didn’t realize you were doing it.

For never understanding what you were doing to our family. You locked us up in different ways. You caused me to be afraid of my own mind and never gave me a chance to escape. You almost killed mom. I remember sitting in the window watching you hold a knife to her on the porch. When she left, you threatened me and Kyle. Told us to get away from the window and that she wouldn’t be back to get us. You hurt Kyle, physically more than mentally. He would leave with bruises more times than I could count… he forgives you too, you know.

Forgiveness is hard. You made our lives to be more difficult than any kid could imagine. You made us into monsters of your own creation, and revelled in the fact that you were our Dr. Frankenstein. Much to your dismay, we are better people now.

Kyle turned out pretty good. He has a girlfriend and pets that he loves, a house that he owns, and a job he’s great at. He’s an amazing cook, a hard worker, and is doing his best with everything that he has. I’d say he’s doing amazing, actually. I haven’t seen him in almost a year, but from the things that I hear about him, I’d say life is shaping up pretty okay.

Mom moved back to Illinois to be with family again. I think you messed her up the most. Caused her not only copious amounts of physical pain, but a great deal of emotional pain as well. When you left, it was both a relief and a pain for her. She had to, and continues to take on both parenting roles better than what you did. She is doing her best to get back to being her best. She is finally doing things to make her happy, again. It only took about ten years. She still doesn’t forgive you for all that you’ve done, and that’s okay. I don’t blame her.

As for me, I’ve been very busy since the last time that we have talked. Ten years can really change a lot about a person. I graduated high school about a year ago with top honors, I received a scholarship from an organization that chooses only one person per state, I started building my life at the college that I attend. I’m doing the things that I love. I’m changing the lives of people and am enjoying my freedom. There have been many ups and downs, believe me, but I’m moving forward without hesitation. I’m doing and am going to do great things with my life, and I wish I could say that you would be proud.. But I don’t think you would care at all.

So I forgive you. I forgive you for all of the shitty things that you have done to break our family down and grind us into the dirt. I forgive you for never being the type of man that I was proud to say was my father. I forgive you for all the hurt and darkness you brought into my world. I forgive you because I have the ability to forgive. I forgive you because holding onto all the hatred I have for you is far worse for me and my mind than to just let it go. I forgive you because without you there to make me believe I would always be nothing, I wouldn’t have tried so hard to become something.

I may forgive you, but I will never say I love you.

Des.