I Don't Think I'm Okay

For a few months now I have felt myself slowly slipping away from the things that once brought me joy. I recently completed my self-evaluation for the ambassadors and the only thing I remember saying in it is that I feel like I am distancing myself from the team and that I did something wrong.

I try to reach out, nothing comes of it. What happened in these few months to make some of the people that I once called my close friends feel like strangers a good chunk of the time that we are with each other? I feel distant. Like I am floating out in space looking back at the Earth knowing that they are all here enjoying their time together.

I know that I am likely overthinking this, and that it probably is nothing… Autumn and Jada recently were talking about attachment styles. I found out that I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. What this means is that I have low self-worth and am worried that when I get too close to people, they will ultimately abandon me.

Why does this matter? Well, because of this I tend to distance myself from the people I care most about or do something to ruin the relationship before anyone else has the opportunity to do so in order to save myself. The thing is: I don’t think it is saving me in the long run.

I am at that point where I feel like I could genuinely just disappear and no one would bat an eyelash. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. Like there is oxygen that I can breathe, but there is no space in the rooms that I am in because the tension fills it more than anything. I know that I say stupid things a good majority of the time and can never read a room. I know that I can be a lot. But really… What happened?

I really don’t think that I am okay. I talked to my therapist about some of the things that have been going on recently and she seems to be confused. We upped my meds and moved on. I feel like no one understands what I am trying to tell them.

I am isolated. Quality time is my love language and I don’t think that is being fulfilled anymore. I feel like the clock is slowly running out to have these amazing moments like what I had last year because it is. In less than six months I will (hopefully) be walking across the stage in the Kress to shake hands with the Chancellor, and moving away from Green Bay; moving away from all the people who have changed my life here.

Maybe I am being too nostalgic, or maybe this is valid. Maybe everything that I am feeling and sharing with you means that I care too much… or maybe it means I care just enough. The point is: I am hurting. I am hurting so, so much and there is nothing that I feel I can do right now to fix it.

To be continued.