I Am Happy

If you say something enough times, it tends to stick.

I am happy.

It’s like manifestation, only this requires minimal energy for those of us who are always drained. For those of us where our bodies are in a constant fight or flight phase. A continuous state of survival mode. We are never relaxing without having to actively think about the relaxing that we are doing.

I am happy.

I have been working so hard to try and be happy. I know that I should look at the world like my glass is half-full and that I shouldn’t be so negative and blah, blah, blah. Forced optimism is just as bad as pessimism, only I don’t shove my pessimism down your throat… because it’s too busy holding me by mine.

I am happy.

I have a habit of putting on this fake smile - a mask that I wear so that no one gets too worried about me. A safeguard for the brain behind it, few see what really happens behind closed doors. Those that do see it tend to be scared of what is going to happen next. I sometimes am too.

I am happy.

I am a little over two years clean from self harm. I have a tracker in my phone because it is the only thing that reminds me that I am actively working to ensure that I am not doing things to hurt myself. Only, I want to. I want to so bad.

I am happy.

I recently had a complete psychotic break. For two hours, in front of two people (who I’m convinced think I am crazy now), I cried, hyperventilated, and said some things that I am not proud of. It was embarrassing. I have never felt more like a burden than I did in those two hours. We discussed going to a facility… which is a scary idea.

I am happy.

The thing is that I had been holding in so much for so long that it was finally reaching the point where I mentally could not sustain anything else. I broke. And it wasn’t just a little crack in the wall that you could seal with some cement… the whole damn thing collapsed.

I am happy.

I am learning that the more you say something, doesn’t mean it makes it true. I mean, I had been saying that I was happy to everyone who asked for weeks without anyone actually doubting it - until that night. I am learning to be honest with myself and others, even if it means moments of being uncomfortable. I am learning that there is more to a person than the simple black and white of happy and sad. I am learning to be kind to myself because times are hard. I am learning.

If you say it enough times it may stick, but I am not happy. I have not been happy for a while. I am working on it. <3