Hello, Sunshine!

For as long as I can remember I have been compared to sunshine. When I was younger, I had relatively blonde hair, was bubbly, and a people person. Now, it is more so about my personality than that of my appearance as I am sure most of you know: I am far from blonde.

Sunshine: Noun. Direct sunlight unbroken by cloud, especially over a comparatively large area. See also: cheerfulness; happiness.

The thing that I find so ironic about all of this is that I feel as though I am far from being this person. What those that compare me to sunshine don’t see is the hurricane of negative thoughts that is plaguing the citizens (see also: me) that occupy my mind. There is never a moment that isn’t instantly ruined by myself because of the stupid little things that I say to myself.

Self-deprecating: Adjective. modest about or critical of oneself, especially humorously so.

I suppose that is the nicest way to put it. The things that I would say about myself are often that of a self-deprecating nature. I don’t mean to do it, but it gets others to laugh and that makes me feel like the things that others say about me are actually funny and not meant to hurt me.

All my life I have been the butt of every joke. The mom friend, the funny side-kick, the background character. I am the definition of the fat, funny friend. I have never been someone that is recognized for all the work that I put in to the things that I love, in all that I do. So when someone compares me to sunshine, something that I deem to be of utmost beauty, the thing that makes people feel warm and happy, I shy away.

It makes me feel like I am something, someone far greater than myself. But what I find to be the most ironic is that I call everyone I meet, even those that I don’t know, sunshine. Not because I want them to shy away from me, but because I know that it can mean the world and more to someone at some point.

This is not by any means me complaining about something as sweet as being compared to sunshine. This is meant as an explanation as to why I feel the opposite. My mind is a dark place, and I think that is why I try to be such a light for other people. I don’t want them to have to go through the same things that I do daily. I want to be the person that so many think I am. I want to be sunshine.

Being compared to something that brings so many people joy after months without it is a feeling that I cannot explain. It fills my entire body with warmth, it makes me feel like I am doing something right. It makes me want to be better.

Sunshine: Noun. Direct sunlight unbroken by cloud, especially over a comparatively large area.

See also: Me.