For When You Should be Happy but Have Hit Rock Bottom

It’s one of those nights. You know the ones. You’re laying in your bed after a great day out with your friends, trying not to focus on the intense sunburn that is covering half your body, and then you feel it… and by ‘it’ I mean everything. You start to feel the warm, salty tears stream down your face, and you don’t understand why you’re sad.

You should be happy. You’re around the people that you love, that love you, and you spent the day laughing about the most stupid things. You had a great day, and you can replay each moment in your mind like a movie. Why aren’t you happy?

As I said in one of my previous posts, it comes and goes in waves. There can be days when it feels like you’re on top of the world, and nothing can tear you down.. Until it does. You can feel powerless in those moments. A victim of your own mind. It’s okay to cry. Crying is normal, and if you keep building everything up inside you, you will explode.

No one should feel like they can’t be sad because they had a good day. Lately, my emotions have been a roller coaster that seems never-ending. I have these days with such a manic high that it feels like I’ll never come down. 150 feet in the air, my coaster suspended at a near 90 degree angle, waiting for the right moment to drop. Then it does, and I’m in such a deep low in a matter of seconds.

Something I've learned is that you have to be unhappy in order to also be happy. They are two sides of the same coin that cause two very different chemical reactions in our brains. Think of happiness as a sunrise. It starts the day, it’s what allows the sun to shine and for us to feel the warmth. Sadness is like a sunset, it can be disappointing after the amazing day you had out in the sun, but without it we wouldn’t be able to see all the other stars.

I find myself appreciating the little spouts of happiness more and more after I go through one of my episodes. I recognize that there are always going to be small beams of light, even if they are faint. I think I’m starting to appreciate the faint moments more. It’s a reminder that even when I feel like I’m cast in the blackest shadow, there is hope.

But lately something has been off. I feel like I’ve been lying for a while now. I’ve been acting as myself when I feel like I don’t even know who that is anymore. I’ve been coming to this realization more and more this past week and I really don’t know what to do to fix it.

I booked a hair appointment thinking maybe changing my outward appearance a little might aid in making things feel more normal. I know. It’s stereotypical and dumb, but it really did help a little bit. I got rid of my bangs, got darker hair, and gained a little bit of my confidence back.

I’ve also been diving deeper into my thoughts and how I have been taking care of myself in my head lately. It isn’t good. Every single thing that seems to pop in is negative. There are very few things that I actually like about myself now.

I don’t know what it is, but I can’t shake it.

I used to have this problem a ton when I was younger. I feel like everyone did, which is a horrible way to think. I never used to like anything about myself, and I would sit there and act like I did in an effort to make it true. It was like someone was feeding me a placebo and I was completely unaware.

Here’s the thing, I don’t know what’s going on in my head anymore. It’s like World War Three is breaking out and the only person I’m fighting in this battle is myself. Nights of laying in my bed, completely paralyzed by how much I was hurting. It’s hard to live like this.

I thought that I was going to be okay figuring this all out by myself, but I’m not. I start therapy again this week, and even just knowing that makes me feel a little better. Knowing that there is going to be someone of sound mind assisting me in making sense of everything that has been happening is calming.

It's not like I'm alone. I have the most amazing roommates that get to experience the absolute nut case I am on the daily. But somehow it isn't enough.

I’ve cried. A lot. My roommates and I started making a joke about it and have been keeping tallies. I’m up by 300% of the closest runner-up. I’m not doing okay, and that’s okay because we cant be 100% all of the time. That wouldn’t make us human. We feel emotion, we cause pain, and we revel in happiness. One day I’ll be able to again. For now, I’m just here.. floating in a never-ending pool, just barely above the water.

But I’m above it and that’s all that matters.