For When You Feel Inadequate.

Invasive thoughts can be debilitating. It can cause us to believe even the most outrageous things. Lately I have been having a ton of trouble with my self-worth.

Being in the program that I am in can cause a lot of doubt. I am surrounded by people who make such beautiful music and I want to be like them, but if I can’t cut it with them here, what about after? If I can’t do these things under pressure that they can do, does that mean I’m not as good or worthy to be studying the things that they are?

The feeling of success can drive us to do many things we normally wouldn’t. But if we just run after things that look successful, it doesn't always mean that it's right for us.  So here's the question.. What do you want to feel that translates to a successful feeling?

This week I had a very emotionally driven conversation with someone who I don’t get to see too often. It went a lot like those first few paragraphs; it was messy. I learned that there is a lot that goes into being confident and that much of the self-hate that I have been harboring stems from me being worried about being compared to those in the same program as me.

It was hard. But when she addressed what I was saying, she made me feel so comfortable about where I am in my battle with being more confident in my abilities and myself in general. One of the main points was this idea of a feelings pile and backpack.

The feelings pile is everything we feel and the things we do based on those feelings. She made it very clear that the feelings that we want to have and harbor whenever we feel successful are more important than the tangible sides of the things that we do. Feelings like pride, happiness, being content, they all stem from a different place within the pile. As does fear, self-loathing, and  judgement. Yet all these feelings make us into the people we are. We all want to be successful, but the lasting feeling comes from how we feel doing it, not from actually doing the thing.

Confidence starts from within. Your self-worth, personal value, and self-confidence are all independent of the things that you do. It’s hard to wrap your mind around at first, I get that, but once you do.. You won't be as afraid anymore. Do you feel confident making mistakes? No. There is room for growth, then.

Sometimes the things that we do to cope aren’t healthy at first. Allow yourself to be messy and make mistakes, even if it isn’t healthy. You are allowed to have those moments, just remember to put that moment down and take some space from it. Reflect on it and learn from it. Redirect to “they could be in the same boat that I am”. This is where the backpack can come into play. The backpack is our source of good. Within it, the many tools to make us feel better. Think of it as an emotional first-aid kit.  Whenever you have those invasive thoughts, put it in your backpack and redirect going forward. So the next time it comes up, maybe you can do better. It’s important to remember that this process gets messy, and it’s okay to talk about it if it gets that way.

I’m a person that is not good at separating my self-worth from my mistakes. I have to often ask if I feel inadequate because of other people or because of myself, and have a hard time telling the difference. In those times I remind myself that these are legit feelings that need to be acknowledged. I have to be okay with working with this pile of feelings. Taking it apart, putting it together, letting it be what it is. It’s a mess and it is mine, but it’s my mess and that’s okay.

What other people see is just the highlight reel of our lives. Others don't get to see everything that we are, and everything that we do. We get to see those moments and revel in the good. There is too much good to ignore it and replace it with the bad. Reframe yourself to be affirming of all the things that you CAN do. Remember: what other people can do has nothing to do with the things that you can.

Recognize the invasive and harmful thoughts, call them for what they are and deal with them.

Learn to be vulnerable. It is okay, I promise.