Dating...

“I start feeling like I’m missing out. Like there is something wrong with me.”

When you grow up in a small town there are a lot of things that you learn you don’t want along with the things that you do want for your future. From a young age, I was always sure of what I wanted out of my life. I always envisioned the way that it was meant to play out and the things that were meant to happen all by a certain age. I was 100% convinced that I was going to marry the person that I had the most connection with in high school and that we were going to travel the world and everything would be perfect.

News flash: none of that happened. When you grow up fat you are rarely the person - if ever the person - that other people will choose. Never the love interest in the shows, never the girl that the guys liked, never felt quite like you were wanted. It can really fuck up your view of yourself and the way that you love in the future.

When I graduated high school I was so sure that things were going to change when I got to college. This was going to be the place where I met the person that I was actually going to spend the rest of my life with. The person who made all that waiting, hoping, wishing in my younger years finally worth it. Then I actually got here.

All around me friends were getting engaged, falling in love, finding their person… I was on Bumble. COVID hit, and that put a dent in meeting people in an organic way, so I turned to dating apps to feel some sort of connection to people. That was mistake number one.

What I came to notice is that there are actually people who thought that I was pretty. There were people in this world who found me attractive. For the first time in my life, I was someone that other people desired. Except, not in the way that I thought it would be.

I always dreamed of what falling in love might be like. It would happen suddenly and there would be cute little gestures. Flowers, holding the door, little forehead kisses.. You know, the usual sappy-romantic-dumb stuff that you see in the movies that we watched with our moms when it was christmas time on Hallmark. Now, if you know anything about the dating app realm, you know that is not what happens.

Instead of going on dates and actually forming relationships with the people I matched with, it was a series of these people just wanting to hook-up and move on (no, I didn’t do anything with any of them) and that was far from the things that I wanted at this point in my life.

You see, dating while you’re fat is kind of like playing Russian Roulette - you never know what you’re going to get when you pull that trigger. I wanted consistency, loyalty, and love. I got dick pics, questions for nudes, and disappointment. The times when I thought that the person I was talking to would be different, they eventually proved me wrong.

I was hesitant to delete these apps because I have seen the success that it can bring - two of my roommates are in relationships thanks to Tinder of all apps and someone I used to room with is engaged to the person she met on Tinder as well. I know that it is possible, just not for me right now.

Rachel, my friend, recently sent me a video by someone that we both follow where she talked about how she felt about all the things that didn’t happen. How dating apps ultimately made her feel jaded because the people that she was meeting through them weren’t emotionally available. How she feels like she is missing out on something because she hasn’t been in a serious relationship and feels like there is something wrong with her. I have never felt so seen.

You see, being a plus-sized woman in the society that we live in is hard. Not just because the clothes that are in our sizes make us look homely, but because men (boys) really only want one thing from us - and that is disgusting. So, I have made the decision that this is the summer when I stop dating.

This summer I am going to focus on myself. On my mental, physical, and emotional health. If I feel like the summer was enough of a break, I will try dating again. Until then, I don’t need the external validation that I receive from seeing “MATCH” on my screen when I swipe on someone who I think is cute. I need to start prioritizing myself the way that I prioritize everyone else in my life.

All this is to say that dating sucks, I’m over it, and I will be giving up. Not quitting, just taking a much needed break. Until then, I will put all the effort into something more beneficial for me.

For years I thought that there is something wrong with me because all men ever wanted from me was sex, for me to be a warm body. That stops now.

Dating while fat can be a nightmare. I’m ready to wake up.