Dancing With the Devil

It’s always ‘oh my God, how could you do this again? What were you thinking?’ and never ‘you must have been in so much pain to put yourself in that position again. ‘

All my life I have been dealing with addicts of all different kinds. Drugs, alcohol.. You name it and it felt like I knew about it. It started with dad. He did a lot of drugs. Drugs that I wasn’t even aware of until I was older and had a better understanding of them. But the one that Impacted me most in my life was my mom’s alcohol addiction. My name is Destiny and my mother is a recovering alcoholic.

How old were you (that you can remember) when your addiction started? If Kyle and I were alive, how old were we?

I would probably say Kyle was 10 and you were 7 (this would make her around 31). It started when I was with Mike. I believe that he had a hand in my addiction. He drank everyday, and I guess once I was not with your dad.. I felt free so I overdid it. I felt free because I felt like there were no consequences without your dad there. There was no one to beat me for making these types of mistakes.

As a kid you always believe that your parents are the best people in the world, that they can make no mistakes. That they are what you want to be when you are older. How do you tell your parents that you want to be the opposite of who they are without breaking their heart?

What was the point of no return for you

When I started dating Mike. It all avalanched into a series of drinking and hiding it all from you and your brother. I don’t know if Mike was the main factor, or if it was the freedom, but he supplied the alcohol, so I feel like it was mainly that. I knew that it got bad when I would start hiding it. But I couldn’t help it, I couldn’t stop it. I felt like I had to have it. It brought me a sense of comfort, but I felt guilty afterwards. I knew it was wrong to drink as much as I did, but like I said, I couldn’t stop.

Parents are meant to protect us and keep us away from any danger that is present. We are meant to learn from them and have them be our mentors for the world that we will one day inherit. What happens when they do the opposite, when they are the danger in your life?

What is something that you can compare the feeling to that most people may understand?

The good feeling (when I was drunk, in the beginning) is a lot like a big hug.. They make you feel good. The bad feeling is what makes me feel guilty. Like, why would I ever do it again? It was like losing someone you love. I felt like I was losing you and Kyle. It broke me more than made me happy after a while. It wasn’t fun anymore. That first night that I attempted suicide I was drinking, but I didn’t try to commit suicide because I was drunk. I knew what I wanted to do and how to do it before I was drinking. I was just miserable.

There are moments in our lives that we never want to face when it comes to our parents. Seeing them on the brink of self-destruction and in so much pain because of their actions is hard.. Especially when there is nothing you can do or say to stop them from doing what it is that they are doing. Having these conversations, even now, is difficult but essential to making progress. This is something that it took me a very long time to come to terms with. In order for things to get better, the person with the addiction needs to want it to get better.

What about the times that followed that night?

During those times, the drinking definitely impacted my decisions then.. Yes. I went to rehab a few times before my decision to be sober. I guess I just wasn’t ready. I wanted to be ready and my mind was there.. But part of me couldn’t let go of the high. No matter how it made me feel afterwards.

One of the main things that I think our parents are often unaware of is the impact that their actions have on the way that we perceive what they call ‘love’. Love is something that has been and is still complicated in my family. We say that we love each other, but do we remember what love was before it was twisted? Before shit hit the fan and we were an actual family that supported, cared for, and was there for each other?

How do you feel it affected your relationship with your family?

It broke it. It hurt them and made them not trust me. Trust was basically non-existent. They never believed me when I said that I was trying because it didn’t seem like I was. The things that I remember most from when I was drinking was that I was happy when I drank. But after I drank for a while, I was sloppy and miserable. The next day, I would remember some things, but not all. Then when I was told things that I did, it made me feel awful and embarrassed. I was ashamed. Thinking about those times now, I feel sad, hurt, and ashamed. I feel awful that I put my family through that.

I remember being scared a lot of the time that mom was drunk. She would do stupid things that not only put her in danger, but put others in danger. I would go to bed early when I knew that she was drinking because it was my only escape once my friends lived further away than I could walk to. She was addicted to a losing game and one day it was going to come back to bite her in the ass. That day came the spring semester of my sophomore year in college. She got behind the wheel when she was under the influence, and it changed her life.

You’ve been sober for over a year now.. What influenced that decision?

Family, definitely. I wanted to be a better person for them. I wanted them to smile and be proud of the person that I became. Being a drunk is not fun. It is not something to strive for. Now that I am sober, I wouldn’t wish this on type of addiction on anyone. It breaks your relationships, trust, and some people don’t come out alive from this sort of thing. I am still learning, still fighting everyday. I will be for the rest of my life.

I remember getting the calls during sophomore year of college. They were both on our Bid Day celebrations for the sorority that I am in. I remember crying hysterically in the arms of my roommates because I knew that there was nothing I could do to make her stop. The first time I got the call, fall semester 2019, Jillian stayed on the phone with me until I fell asleep because I was so hysterical. I wish I could go back and comfort myself in that moment. To tell myself what the future held for my mom and the changes that she would make.

What would you say to your past family if you could?

I’m sorry. I wish that I could take it all back and make it disappear and fast forward to now. Now I am the type of person who is taking the time to re-foster the relationships that I broke. My relationships and life have definitely improved since becoming sober, too. I’m hoping that I have earned trust back. I hope and I feel like I am closer to my kids and my family. You and your brother talk to me a lot more. You and I talk almost everyday - if not everyday, and I think that’s great.

My life has been a lot of highs and lows due to my mom’s addiction to alcohol. I have learned how strong and independent I can be and that there are limits to all relationships.. Regardless of who the person is in your life. The second time I got the call saying that mom was in the hospital during my sophomore year, I was ready to give up on her ever being an actual mother to me. I was ready to cut her out of my life and move on from the trouble and emotional turmoil she was causing. Things are much different now, and I think that without her figuring out that she keeps hurting the people around her, I really would have done it.

Often we say that our past is what makes us who we are now. That being said, would you change the past now?

Yes and no. Part of me would love to because I would never put my family through the things that I did, but if you change the past.. You aren’t who you are today. If you are struggling with your sobriety now remember this: you can do it, just stay strong. There is always support. Never pick up your addiction again. It isn’t worth all that damage that it does.

Growing up I didn’t have much of a family. I felt isolated and alone because my mom’s addiction, and I grew up resenting the person that she was. I built up so much hostility and anger towards her that when I finally left for college, I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to talk to her after that point. She was never the person that I knew she could be, but she is now, and that shows a lot of growth. I don’t know what went through her mind entirely the night that she made the decision to stop drinking, but I know that it has made all the difference.

If you or someone you know are struggling with addiction, reach out. There is hope, you are strong, and you can do anything that you put your mind to. The addiction is not all that you are. You deserve more of a life than you are living.