Burning House

I think it’s time I address something that I preach so often to my students, but so seldom follow myself. The idea that we are people before anything else and that we should be prioritizing our own needs above all else is something that is so easy for me to say to others, but so hard to remember when it comes to myself. 

I have this need to constantly be the best. The best student, the best leader, the best friend, the best daughter. When I begin to notice the shifts in interactions with the people that directly see me as any of those things, I overthink and panic. I believe it stems from me never being reassured when I was younger. I was always belittled by people in power - told all the ways that I could be better, that I needed to be better. So I felt like I always had to fight for any sort of attention or love. If I wasn’t the best, I wasn’t worth anything. 

You know how in movies there is the tragic moment when the main characters notice that someone is missing from their group after escaping the burning house, only to turn and see that friend in the window watching as the house collapses? Yeah, that’s sometimes how it feels to be in my brain. 

The house is my mind and I am the person who is being left behind in the rubble as everyone else escapes… only it feels like no one is looking back for me. Forced to wander this abandoned pile of rubble by myself and rebuild it from the ground up - though it will never be the same as it was before it burned down. 

There are different rooms designated for different things and each room is decorated accordingly. I so frequently find myself slipping in and out of the back corridors of that house in the dark while it seems everyone is enjoying themselves in the living room and light. But, when I begin to spiral, it’s almost like the part of the house that I am in is separate from the rest of it and it's slowly burning to the ground once again. I have done this so often that I am beginning to wonder: is it even worth rebuilding at this point?

The issue that I am noticing in my life now is that this is becoming a pattern. It’s something that is still playing in my mind. I overanalyze every. single. interaction. It’s almost like I am constantly worried that someone is going to break the silence just to tell me how shitty of a person I am. 

While this is often not the case, I am comparing myself to everyone all the time. Coworkers who are praised for all the good they do (while I am criticized), family members who always get the “I’m proud of you” moments (while I get compared to where they are at in life), friends who are achieving so much (while I sit and wonder where I went wrong and why I feel so behind). It’s exhausting. 

Every interaction is exhausting. Every minute spent not isolating myself from the people who state that they care is exhausting. I feel like I am constantly having to wear a mask in order to appease the people that are supposed to be the ones that I am the most myself with. 

My entire life I have spent countless hours ensuring that those I care about feel as much love as possible from me just in case they don’t receive it from others. Scared that they may be suffering in the same way that I am and both of us are too scared to tell the other - but here I sit, still believing that I am incapable of being loved despite having so much love surround me. And still, I cannot get past the feeling that it’s all just a matter of time. 

I used to be convinced that I would never find the type of love that I put out into the world because it truly doesn’t exist. That there is no such thing as unconditional love that is really unconditional. But, I know it exists because I am full of it. I know it exists because there is not a day that goes by where I can resist telling the people I care about how much I care about them and how much I value them in my life. 

Call it a fear of abandonment, call it overcompensating, call it what you want. Whatever it is, I am worthy of receiving the same energy I give. 

I am worthy of the friendships I create. I am worthy of the time and effort it takes to get to know me. I am worthy of every ounce of love that I have and will ever receive. I am worthy of happiness. I am worthy of living a life that is fulfilling.I am worthy of every opportunity that has presented itself. 

 I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy. 

And maybe, just maybe, if I repeat it enough it will begin to feel true.