Big Moments With Bigger Feelings

May is wrapping up, and so is my time in Muncie. Next week at this time I will be sitting in Michigan and preparing for my first full-time position in the field that I have wanted to work in for years. Another transitional period in my life has come to light. 

I have spent the past few days taking in the final moments with some of the people who have made my time here in Indiana a bit more tolerable. While I didn’t get to see and say goodbye to everyone that has made that impact, the ones that I have made it such a big moment. 

#1: Saying good-bye to the people who I bonded with in graduate school. 

For those that don’t know or understand the stress that many of us have been under for the past 9-10 months, saying that it was a bonding experience would be an understatement. These are the people that I have spent the most time with this year, including my family, and somehow it still felt like it was not enough. We saw one another through some tough classes, through the endless job applications, and celebrations when called for. These are people who have sat in the hospital with me and laughed at how stupid we looked because while I may have been in pain, we still managed to laugh. 

#2: Giving my best friends hugs for the last time while being home. 

I made the trip home for a little bit to watch some very important people graduate college, and I of course, had to stop and see some of my best friends (and miss some of them…) along the way. I never expected it to hit me so hard - saying good-bye to those people - but I don’t know when I am going to see many of them again and it was HARD. Goodbyes are hard. This is hard. Damn.

#3: Packing up my first apartment that I lived in alone. 

It certainly goes without saying, but this year has been… interesting. One thing that has been consistent is being able to come back to my apartment and just exist in my space. No matter how hard the day was, I knew that if I wanted to just go right into my room and go to bed, I could without anyone questioning if I was okay or not. The whole space was MINE and mine alone, and I really hated that at first, but it was kind of refreshing. Now, packing it up to move feels wrong. It doesn’t feel like I am meant to be leaving this space that has held so much room for me since last August. 

#4: Graduation pictures. 

I know I posted some of them, but there are more. I don’t think I have ever had so much fun being photographed. Jordan and Grace made the day feel so fun and special and those are going to be pictures that I treasure for so long. I had a conversation with Jillian about how I felt in them and how I value the joy on my face over the way that I look in many of them and how different of a feeling that is for me. Wow, I guess I am growing up. 

#5: Getting my first “big girl” job. 

Finally, there is the feeling that I have been looking forward to for so long now. After many applications and even more interviews, I accepted a position at an institution of higher education doing something that I am really looking forward to. However, it doesn’t feel real. It doesn’t feel like I will be working in another state, away from the people that I love, and following my dreams. It doesn’t feel like I won’t be back in Wisconsin in a month, after I graduate, living with Jillian again - because that is what I am used to. But this is happening. 

None of this feels real until now. 

I have sat in my living room for the past hour-or-so crying hysterically after saying goodbye to one last friend and preparing myself for everything that I am about to feel while packing away the spaces that have held so much feeling for so many months. I mean, I spent my first Christmas away from home here. 

These are some big moments mixed with even bigger feelings and that is okay… I think it’s time I let myself feel them.