A Year in Review

2020 has done a lot of things to a wide variety of people. I have heard so many of my friends talk about all the things they learned during this year.. Something that it has taught me is to appreciate the little victories in life.

I have failed many times this year. I failed a class that I have to wait a full year to retake in the fall of 2021, I relapsed at the near 10 year mark, and I lost a few friendships. But I have also succeeded in many different ways. I finished last semester with some of my best grades, I look forward to getting my grades this semester (aside from the one) because I know how hard I worked, I am applying to be a student ambassador, and I am applying to the education department. I feel like I am finally making steps in the right direction.

I couldn’t have done any of this without the insane amount of support that I got. For Megan who was always my cheerleader, even when I constantly wanted to give up. She was always there with words of encouragement and shared puppy cuddles. For Nikki, my person, who was always willing to listen to every gripe and every mistake I made, and reassure me that it was just part of life, and I will continue to make it through. That not everything is skin-deep. For Jordyn, who may be 1,258 miles away from me, but still managed to be here.. Always. And for my mom, who had to put up with endless calls and texts, often of me crying, while she continues to work through her sobriety (which is going on 10 months). I can’t imagine what that must be like.

I realized how thankful I am for all my amazing friends and family that continue to encourage, push, and listen to me when I feel like I am lost. While I miss being able to do things with them like I used to, and that can make it feel like we are drifting apart, I know that they are always there cheering me on.

But here’s the harsh reality of it all: not everything in life can be good. I fell into a really deep depression. So much so, that I had genuine thoughts about just giving up on everything because I felt like I could never measure up to the person I have in my head. It is normal to feel things. It’s even good to feel things. But when you’re like me, and you feel things so deeply it hurts you, sometimes it’s not as good. I have spent the last few days of my life wondering what I am doing wrong. I am crying all day, pushing away friends, calling into work, and giving up on my studies.. Which only adds to me feeling like a failure. It seems like things couldn’t get much worse.

I believe that it is completely okay to stay alive for reasons outside of yourself. For your dog who will never know why you didn’t come back. For your parents who can't fathom the thought of losing their child. For your best friend who you think deserves the world and you hate to see cry. Stay alive because you haven’t seen the northern lights, yet. Because you wonder what it feels like to sip wine in Italy. Because you think that there might one day be some end to this hell. Stay alive. Not to be selfish, but because there are a million reasons to keep breathing in and out.

Speaking of which, breathe.. Things always feel way heavier when you have to carry them alone.. So don’t. It is important to know, especially right now, that you are not alone in your battles. You have an army of people ready to fight for you. Stop, take a look around, see all that you have accomplished even in this year. Take a minute for your year in review. I promise it wasn’t all bad.

Oh, and in case no one has told you lately: I’m proud of you for staying alive. Keep breathing, we will get through this together.