Lost

Since I have been home from school I have had very little time to sit and think about the things that I have accomplished while I was away and what I  plan to for this year. Every once in a while someone will ask me what my plans are for the future and while I thought that these questions would stop once I graduated high school, they haven’t. 

I used to be so sure about what I wanted to do with my future. 

I wanted to be someone who could change the lives of those around her. I wanted to be a resource for those that had no one and nothing else to lean on. I wanted to educate young minds about the importance of having an outlet and being able to create.. But now I don’t know.

For years people have been telling me what I would be good at in the future. “It’s all about where your passions are. What do you really care about?” ask me when I’m in the classroom and my answers seem obvious, the kids, the material, the subject itself.. If only that felt like enough again.

I used to feel so at home in the classroom “a natural born leader” is what they called me. The stage was my second home and I was never afraid to be first when it came to presentations for anything. It was as if I was destined to be up in front of 60 kids at once explaining to them how music works. 

Then ask me how I felt in the courtroom. During mock trial I felt like I thrived. I lived for the adrenaline of properly calling an objection or explaining the narrative of my direct. I yearned for shutting down a witness on cross and watching their lawyer frantically search for the materials and questions to try and regain the credibility I had destroyed. A barracuda is what they called me. 

The courtroom made me come to life in the best way. It was like being on stage and getting to be a whole different person while not having to wear a costume. My love for knowing all the details of a case was what drove me to create the perfect array of questions to get the responses that I wanted. Homicide, excessive force, and drug abuse cases galore!

But then ask me about how I feel when I finish a blog post. How getting every thought I have onto the page makes me feel a sense of accomplishment and happiness. I know that in a way, these posts can still help someone who may be going through the same thing as me. Unsure about who they are, what is going on in their head, and how to overcome everything.

Writing has always been, and will always be a huge passion of mine. I love creating and being able to use my personal experiences to fuel that creativity makes it a million times more rewarding. It’s as if everything I go through is worth it in the end. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m keeping my options open. 

So for all those asking what I plan to do with my future, I plan to get lost and figure it all out as I go..

After all, isn’t that the whole point of becoming an adult?